|1. ||Don’t go strapless. I don’t care how sexy you think it is, you’re going to spend |
half the night tugging your dress back into place. If by some miracle it’s tight
enough to stay put, chances are you’ve got overhang. And let me just say for
the record, “Ew.”
|2. ||Do not get so loaded at the after-prom party that you accidentally-on-purpose |
end up in the broom closet with the surprise hottie of the evening—say the class
chess champ who’s somewhere lost his Coke-bottle lenses and undergone
an extreme makeover—especially if that makeover has anything to do with
becoming one of the undead.
|3. ||If because of said chess champ’s ridiculously irresistible vamp mojo you’re |
compelled to skip Rule #2, do not let your extremely jealous boyfriend—let’s
call him "Chaz"—catch you.
|4. ||Never get into a car, no matter how well the cherry red finish goes with your |
gown, with anyone who’s been drinking or just found you in a compromising
position with the mother of all hickeys forming on your neck—just for example.
|5. ||If you’ve ignored the previous rules—and I mean, seriously, give some thought |
to #1 (talk about wardrobe malfunction)—make sure you have a death plan. It’s
kinda like an emergency plan, but, you know, for death. For example, make sure
there’s absolutely nothing in your closet you wouldn’t be caught dead in, because
it’s a freakin' guarantee that’s what they’ll dress you in for the viewing. You also
may want to leave some kind of instructions behind about not being buried for four
days—at which point you’re either risen or beyond caring—because digging
yourself out of the ground, not to mention prying open the damned coffin, is hell
on your manicure.
|6. ||Now, chances are that in the midst of everything, Rule #5 never even popped up |
on your radar. I get that. So, you’re famished and filthy, but, hey, you’ve survived—
better than a certain somebody’s cherry red convertible anyway. Now, to keep up
that trend. Normally, I wouldn’t advocate going about in public without freshening
up, but here’s a tip: blood is never fashion forward. Chances are as a newly risen
vamp, you’re going to be a bit, um, indelicate in your feeding, so you may want to
eat first, shop later.
|7. ||Here’s where it gets dicey. Vamps have no reflection. Yeah, don’t even get me |
started. No way at all to fix your hair and make-up. Who wants to go through
eternity a total shlub? I mean, what a cosmic joke, right? My recommendation:
turn your own stylist, start an entourage, whatever it takes.
|8. ||Okay, so you’re fed, you’re fab. Chances are your geek-boy sire is waiting in |
the wings somewhere expecting you to be his sex slave for all eternity. Girls, all
I can say is I don’t care if the man is the second coming of Brad Pitt, you make
him work for it. Begin as you mean to continue. You’re young, beautiful, and,
as long as you avoid stakes and beheadings, immortal. The world is your
oyster. Make him crack it open and set the pearls (preferably in platinum).